Vanderslice Media Coaching
How NOT to be a Great Guest
By Roberta Gale Vanderslice
Years ago I interviewed the author of a book about a famous murder case.
Although the case involved sex, abuse, fame, frame-ups, and all the other
elements of a very juicy story, the author was as dry and unpalatable as cheap
beef jerky. After a few very tedious minutes using every weapon in my arsenal
to try and make the guy sound interesting, we said our good-byes to Mr.
Monotonous. Since honesty was always the primary policy on my show, I began an
on-air discussion of what had just happened. Flush with frustration over a
waste of airtime, I decided to take an off-the-cuff poll. The results?
Ninety-five percent of our callers said the experience had turned them off to
author interviews so much, that they never wanted to hear one again.
I never said the poll was binding, and in the years since I have interviewed
many authors and given plenty of thought about what transpired on the air that
day. In retrospect, I had no one to blame but myself, since I booked the
interview with a publicist and never requested to hear the guest before the
show. This should serve as a future caveat to hosts and producers. Milk the cow
before you buy the cow. Or something like that.
However, if you’re a potential guest who desires to recreate that memorable
experience my listeners and I had so long ago, if you’re chomping at the bit to
coerce the listeners (or viewers) to turn the dial with wrist-breaking
velocity, and if “compelling” and “fascinating” are two adjectives you never
want to hear after your interview, here are a few easy-to-follow tips.
Never get to your main point. Why take the
freeway of ideas to the most direct exit, when you can meander on the side
roads for an entire hour? Distill and prioritize? Not for you, buddy. Make sure
you wait until the host is snoring and his eyes are glazed over before you hit
him with your best shot. Make sure this occurs in the last minute of the
interview so you won’t have adequate time to explain the reason you’re there in
the first place. Leave ‘em wanting more so you can explain everything the
next time, because the host is sure to invite you back.
Be totally unfamiliar with (or ignore) the host’s style,
format and time requirements. Homework is for losers, not smart people
like you, right? Why would you want to take the time to research the host’s
show before you sit down to talk with him? Everyone knows all blind dates turn
out blissfully wonderful. Be sure to do the exact same type of interview for
all hosts and stations. There’s not much difference between Howard Stern, Rush
Limbaugh, Morning Zoos and NPR, anyway. And remember to ignore the host or
producer’s direction. He’s not really talking to you when he says he needs
short answers. He’s talking to those other, boring guests.
Use insider jargon, obscure facts, and as many big
words as possible. Remember, you’re on the air to lift the moronic masses to
your stratospheric level, not to entertain or inform them. If you’re a doctor,
try saying things like “it produces a blockade of voltage-sensitive sodium
channels, resulting in stabilization of hyper-excited neural membranes” instead
of, “it helps prevent seizures”. Listeners will be so impressed they’ll run
right to their medical dictionary! Even the ones in cars! If you’re a politician
or political expert, be sure to refer to things like the “Initiative and
Referendum Act of 1963”. Yep, that was quite an Act. Back then, it was
all the other six-year- olds and I talked about at recess.
Overuse Statistics. Four out of five listeners will not be
transfixed with more than 6 percent of your interview, and four-fifths of the
40 percent who are still listening after 90 seconds will be 3.28 times as
likely to turn to a music station as 41 percent of the average college educated
head of household who was never listening to you in the first place, a number
five times that of all Americans who didn’t hear more than 6 seconds of your
interview since last year. The previous sentence has a statistical error
rate of plus or minus three percent.
Speak rapidly and don’t repeat or explain what you say.
Studies have shown that listeners hang on to every single word of an interview,
sitting with rapt attention at the beginning, and not uttering a peep until
it’s over. Repetition and down-to-earth explanations would only bore these
people. Remember, absolutely no one is driving, eating, working, talking on a
cell phone, taking care of screaming children, sitting in a crowded room or
picking up dog vomit while listening.
If you don’t know the answer, just make one up. The host,
the listeners, and your colleagues will never call you on it, and saying “I
really don’t know, I’ll have to check it out and get back to you” makes you
sound unprepared and ignorant. See “Insider Jargon”, “Obscure Facts” “Big
Words” and “Overuse of Statistics” for guidance in formulating some kind of
answer.
Sound Rehearsed, tired, and bored. Listeners are
a very understanding and compassionate lot. They know their favorite station is
number 200 on a national book tour and that you’ve been making the same
comments about the same topic for months. They’ll actually applaud your ability
to repeat the same interview verbatim and ad infinitum. In time, you’ll develop
Grateful Dead-style groupies who will follow you from city to city, trading
bootleg tapes of your interviews and waiting for you to slip up and change just
one word!
Speak softly with a monotone. Who wants to listen to an
egotistical guest who talks above a whisper and uses variation in tone? Speaking
softly forces listeners to move more closely to the radio, thereby providing a
more intimate media experience. You’ll be sure to get more air time when a good
portion of your interview consists of the host asking “What did you say?” and
you repeating the comment. And a monotone? It’ll become your best friend,
taking the focus off of you, and onto your topic, where it belongs. Besides,
you don’t want to threaten the host by being too animated, thereby making him
think you’re after his job! The more intimidated a host is, the more quickly
that guest will get thrown off the air with a curt, “Sorry, but we’ve run out
of time.”
Oops, we really have run out of time. But I promise if you follow the above
steps, you too can be the guest no one wants to book.
Roberta Gale Vanderslice spent 27 years as a talk host in the New York,
Philadelphia, San Francisco, Miami, Baltimore, Atlanta, Washington DC, and
Cleveland markets. She was nationally syndicated by Westwood One and has hosted
shows for the ABC Radio Network. Roberta has interviewed thousands of people
from Cher to Jesse Jackson, and is co-owner of Vanderslice Media, which offers
an individualized program to develop or improve the on-air skills of authors
and experts, and provides supporting promotional material. www.vanderslicemedia.com
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